Albuquerque Police, open the door, please.
- Open up. - Daddy, wake up, wake up. Wake up.
Albuquerque Police, open up.
Fuck.
All right, we gotta go. All right.
Unh. Get your shoes on.
Open up.
Okay.
He knocks me around, then steals my Chanel purse. And it was real!
I have Chanel loafers that I love, so I get it. Open up. Right now.
- Why am I doing this? - Shh. Stop asking questions.
That's good, that's good.
Oh, goddamn it.
- What's happening? - Oh, goddamn it.
Inside that Bible there is an address in Santa Fe.
Get in the cab and go there.
- N o! - It's better than Child Protective Services.
You gotta trust me on that one.
All right, look at me.
I know I'm not the best dad in the world, but I love you.
Goddamn it. Hey!
- What the hell was that for? - You fuck everything up!
Hey.
- Get on the ground! - On the ground!
- I'm not resisting! - On the ground.
Mmm.
Oh, hello. And good morning.
If you've never been invited to a ranchero breakfast, well...
...on this glorious day, you are in luck.
- Because we... - Are you okay?
- You're leaning. - It's a Western saddle.
I can't sit forward like the English.
Cowboys sit back on their haunches, against the cantle. Oh! Ugh!
- Oh, God. - Okay.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, I think so.
We don't have to do the scene on horseback.
I want to. It's... It's important.
It adds to the masculinity, to the grandeur.
Well, that's true.
- Are you being facetious? - Mm-hm.
- Here you go. - Thank you so much.
- You are a gentleman, you really are. - Oh. Heh-heh.
God knows they're in short supply around here.
Oh, my God. Would you quit flirting with him?
It makes him feel awkward. He's straight.
No, it makes you feel awkward. And he's gay.
It makes everyone feel awkward watching you act like a weird, old woman.
No, you're a weird, old woman.
You wanna know something? I could've worked for Rachael Ray.
And she's nice.
How about we take it from the first line?
I'd be delighted.
All right, everyone, back to one!
Step aside, son.
This is a Basque oven paddle that I have repurposed as a tapas tray.
I like to serve my stuffed piquillo peppers from the back of a horse.
Mind you, a vaquero breakfast need not be on a vast rancho.
When we return, I'll show you how you can cook this gorgeous food...
...from your own little kitchen.
Ciao.
- Dig in, amigos. - Looks good.
Manny, you old cock-hound. Didn't see you there.
You can't say cock-hound on basic cable.
Cut.
Get rid of the terra-cotta pots.
Yuck. Ditto the galvanized tin.
Please, please remove the ghastly bandanas from the goblets.
You, young man, put your camera there, pointing that way.
Look at him.
He's like the gay Butch Cassidy.
Except, not butch.
If only we had a producer who understood...
...that objects exist in a space. Wouldn't that be wonderful?
If only you came to production meetings to communicate your ideas in advance.
But that would cut into your rigorous drinking and masturbation schedule.
Do you guys do this at home?
Oh, no, we don't get along this well at home.
Why don't you leave him?
I probably will.
But, you know, part of me wants to stick around just to watch him die.
Oh, can we call a truce?
Yes. Thank you.
Finally.
Finally?
When have you ever called for a truce?
You realize you're starting an argument about a truce?
I think you are manipulative and passive-aggressive.
And the truce starts now. Ah, my favorite Mexicans.
We just got back from Machu Picchu. Nothing there.
Not impressed. It looks like the Flintstones' village.
I'm like, "This is it?" Not impressed.
- What do you like? Ha. - Zero stars. I like Epcot.
Bobby Flay. I like him as a person.
- He's one of my best friends. - Don't get me wrong. No.
He's got a wonderful, you know, face.
And, you know, marvelous chutzpah.
Are you from L.A.?
I'm the mayor.
- Wait, what? - Of Santa Fe.
Oh, I love that.
This close to the border of Syria. You can hear the gunfire.
You hear people screaming. Terrifying.
But the za'atar chicken was the best I've ever had. Mouthwatering.
The screaming children didn't bother the food at all?
- Apples and oranges. - You gotta eat.
- It's The City of Holy Faith. Santa Fe. - Oh.
That's so cool. I love that.
I'm like, "Hey, asshole, the fucking Dalai Lama...
...gave me that prayer pillow."
Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in a toast...
...to two of the finest hosts in Santa Fe.
What am I talking about? The world.
Paul, Erasmus.
And if I may interrupt there, Mr. Mayor, let's not forget all the little people.
All the worker bees out there.
The little people.
- Hear, hear. - Cheers.
I am with such an asshole.
I love an asshole, so to speak.
- Cheers to that. - Cheers to that. Double cheers.
It is Santa Fe, right? It's a little on the nose.
- I get sick of the turquoise. - The vest.
Yeah. It gets... I mean, no disrespect, you look great.
Yeah. Oh, hello. Who are you?
Ohh. Erasmus.
Well, someone can't spell my name. "Dear Erosmus, this is your grandson."
Is...? Is your father here?
Was he here? Has he gone? What...? What...?
What's your name?
Do you have a name?
- Um, can we get another chair? - Yeah. Ha-ha-ha.
- Please. - Is that all you have with you?
Well, we've got a Bible.
Some cash.
And a bag of cocaine.
Hmm.
All anyone really needs in life.
No clothes, I see.
I'll call the store. They're about to close.
Oh. Oh, good.
Ahem. Um, everyone, it would appear this little chap is my grandson.
Huh.
You know, truth is, Sandy Koufax had a huge dong.
- Really? - Huge. Legendary.
- Legendarily huge dong. - Is that true?
- That is true. For a Jew. - Excuse me.
You have a grandson?
It's unbelievable, isn't it? I mean, look.
I've had no work done.
I only found out you had a son a few years ago.
- He's estranged. I told you about him. - Not really.
Well, back in the '80s when I was experimenting, I had...
...a liaison with a woman which resulted in a baby.
Yuck. Which she wanted to keep.
And this is all very murky.
I was probably off my tits on quaaludes. Remember them? What a blast.
Anyhoo, before you came along, darling, um, I had a son called Beau...
...who dropped out of school, developed a drug problem.
He even OD'd at my book launch in New York.
- No. How embarrassing for you. - It was. Anna Wintour was there.
- Wait... Where's the father? - According to the note, he's in jail.
Yes, he's in jail.
So he's moving in?
Ehh. Just keeping an eye on him.
We can't have a kid.
We couldn't even handle that Yorkshire terrier.
Thank God for that coyote. Problem solved.
- A kid's too much. - Calm down.
Someone from Social Services will turn up and tell us where we stand.
- Take one of your pills. - Why don't you take yours?
That reminds me. What are we going to do about this?
I don't do cocaine anymore, but it seems such a dreadful waste.
We could put it in Tatiana's charity auction.
- Perfect. - I'm kidding.
We'd go to jail.
Ah. Uh, do you want a blowjob?
- We have guests. - Yes, you're right.
Have a good night. Thanks so much.
Hey. So people are going, so you can deal with the kid.
No, don't go, Kate.
No, I have a bleaching in the morning, for my teeth.
Everyone is leaving.
This is the worst thing that's happened to me.
Just tell us what you want and someone will make it for you.
I want Taco Bell.
- Let's go to the kitchen, maybe... - Don't touch me!
It's all right. That's okay.
Oh, my gosh. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
You know what? Would you nut up for a second?
Get the mayor a shot of mescal...
...ask the editor of Elle Decor to dance. I'll tell Gustavo to play tangos...
...and get Tino to take that feral child to Taco Bell.
Go to the front door, tell everybody to come back...
...because you got me a birthday cake and there's cocaine.
Yes, but I haven't, and it's not your birthday.
It is your birthday.
Go. Go, go.
Hey, everyone! I've got cocaine and birthday cake!
Well, this would be the point where you say:
"Erasmus, it's marvelous!
It's like staying at a five-star resort."
I look like a fucking asshole in these.
All right, come on.
Bedtime, let's go.
Lights on or off?
I don't care.
Hey, hey, never say that.
You should always care passionately...
...about every single choice you make in your life.
Good night.
We're locking our doors. That kid scares the shit out of me.
- Oh, I think he's sweet. - Really?
People thought Jeffrey Dahmer was sweet...
- ...till he raped them and ate them. - Eww.
I'm sure it's a temporary arrangement.
What if it's not?
Well, would that be such a bad thing?
My parents were such "drunkaholic" messes.
I was 11 before I realized...
...my father's name wasn't "That Fucking Bastard."
You've told me that joke before.
I'm so sorry. I'll try and work on some new material.
Thank you.
They were terrible parents. I don't wanna be a terrible parent.
No one's asking you to be.
Oh, God. I feel like I'm gonna have one of my things.
- What things? - My panic things.
I shouldn't have done blow. I'm such a douche bag.
- Well, take one of your pills. - I did.
You know, the editor of Elle Decor was dancing like her life depended on it.
If she'd gone home early, the party would've been a disaster.
We should check in, make sure everything's okay.
What, with the editor?
Hmm? No, the kid.
Oh, he'll be fast asleep.
We should check in. Make sure he hasn't stolen anything.
What the hell?
Oh...
Hey, kid? What's his name again?
I told you a dozen times, I don't know.
Kid?
Ugh... Should I call the police?
No, it's okay, they're all here. They're safe.
No, not because of your kachina doll collection.
- Because the kid is missing. - Oh.
Paul.
One of us should take the car into town and have a look around.
Meaning me?
- Well, one of us has got to stay here. - Meaning you?
Erasmus.
Oh, thank God.
I need a drink.
Hey.
- Hey, hey. - Mm!
It's okay.
You gave us a scare, kid.
Get away from me, you fag.
- What'd the lawyer say? - Well, nothing.
The father is in custody, the mother is dead.
They'll send someone from Social Services...
We can't have a kid. We don't like kids.
Don't call him a kid, he's a child. A kid's a baby goat.
I'd rather have a baby goat. They're cute.
Baby goats won't come and visit you when you're old and lonely.
Didn't you organize that Mexican children's charity?
I love helping children in the abstract, but I don't...
- I don't want one in the house. - Hmm.
At any rate, we have to send it to school.
- Really? - Yeah, it's the law.
And it gets him out of the house for the day.
- Hello. - Oh, hello.
We would like to enroll this young man.
All right.
And what is his name?
Would you excuse us, please?
Oh.
I see you've discovered one of my favorite contraptions.
These are such fun. Let's have a look.
Hmm.
You might want to vary your expression a bit.
Now, scoot along. And join in with me, if you like.
I like to do one happy.
One angry.
One silly.
And one looking off into the middle distance...
...thinking about something.
Ah.
Now we've got a bit of an awkward wait.
Oh, look at those.
We're hilarious.
What would you like to do now?
Having a party?
No.
And where have you been?
Ah. In the editing room.
Trying to make something viable out of your insane on-camera ramblings.
Paul, do you know that huge store...
...called Waymart or Mallmart or something, on Cerrillos?
Yeah, of course. It's owned by crazy conservatives.
- You shouldn't shop there. - I thought it was nirvana.
Everything was so inexpensive. The effect was intoxicating.
As intoxicating as that giant tumbler of tequila?
Yes.
But in a different way.
- He should be in bed. - Why?
Because it's 2 in the morning.
- He doesn't have school in the morning. - Because we haven't enrolled him.
Because we don't know his name.
Have a tequila.
Ugh. I'm so tired.
"Ugh. I'm so tired."
- Ah. - Hey, kid.
I know you're having fun, but it's very late.
Why don't you turn off the TV? Let's get you to bed.
Thanks, buddy.
Mañana, piranha.
Are you mad at me?
Paul?
Getting a nightcap?
Some tea.
Did you see the photo for the dust jacket?
Yes, I did.
What do you think?
This is why you need me.
You really, really should've let me look over these...
...before you chose the cover.
Because you look like a person with a mental handicap.
No creature smiles this hard in all of nature.
I do.
When you make me laugh.
Oh, bleh.
That was cruel.
The kettle's boiling, so to speak.
Fuck the tea.
Yay.
- Well, hello. - I assume the kid got to you okay?
- Yes, yes, he's here with me now. - You brought him here?
- Yes, he wants to see you. - Are you insane?
- He can't see me like this. - Don't be ridiculous.
Want a Rolo?
- That's littering. - So?
So we don't do that.
Pick it up.
Don't bring him, it'll screw him up in the head.
Like every decision you have made already hasn't screwed him up.
- I don't need any shit from you. - You're gonna take it.
Because Paul and I are looking after your child.
- Who's Paul? - Paul is my male companion...
...and he has been for the last 10 years.
- Do you have a problem with that? - No.
Oh. Well, anyway, we brought him here so that you could see each other...
...and to reassure you that he's being well taken care of in your absence.
You're welcome.
What would I thank you for?
Where were you when I was 10? I could've used you then.
You come back with your scarf around your neck...
- ...and think you're saving the day? - It's called a kerchief.
You're not the hero of me and my son's story.
You're a last resort.
Wait.
What...? What's his name?
- I wrote it in the Bible. - Wait, what?
So, uh, it turns out the county won't allow visits from children today.
- But the lady out front said it was... - Without additional paperwork.
Oh.
I have a great idea.
Why don't we go to an arcade and then get ice cream?
Yeah.
Or we could go to the Georgia O'Keeffe Museum...
...and afterwards, have a nice salad.
- Die, fucker. - Yes! Yes!
- You saw that, didn't you? - Nice shot, nice shot.
Excuse me... Sweetheart, we don't fold throws, it's too fussy.
We want it to be more casual, so we drape it like a woman reclining thus.
You mustn't make it seem as if you put thought into it.
Exactly so. It shouldn't look like it's been placed there...
- ...but like it's just appeared. Yes. - Just appeared.
- Like a rainbow. - Cyst.
- Or a wildflower. - Cancer cell.
- Perfect. - That's wrong.
Excuse us. Uh... Excuse me.
- Look, the Bible. - Mmm.
From Beau, remember? He said he left a note.
Oh. Yeah, sorry. I thought you'd found God. Um...
"It's Beau. Remember me? This is grandson. Mother is dead.
I got trouble-slash-jail.
Take care of him. He's Angel."
He's really got something against articles of speech.
Angel.
Is your name Angel?
Why didn't you tell us?
I don't like it.
- No one likes their name. - No.
Can you imagine how I felt at school...
...when the teacher called out Erasmus Dickie Brumble?
- What's wrong with Angel? - It's gay.
- Hmm. - It is a little gay.
- What would you like to be called? - Bill.
- Ha-ha-ha. - Bill you shall be.
You can't just change his name because he wants to.
- Why not? - Yeah, why not?
All right, fine. Bill it is.
But, uh, one question.
Why didn't you say you wanted to be called Bill from the outset?
Because I just thought of it.
- I've been trying to think of a name. - What difference does it make?
Because for two weeks we've been calling him "Kid"...
...and we haven't put him in school. No problem.
- Just, from now on, communicate. - "Yeah, communicate."
Don't, don't, don't. Don't! Don't do that! All the fucking time you do that!
You make me look like an idiot in front of the crew, in front of the kid!
The kid's got a name. He's called... What was your name?
It's Bill!
Uh, Paul? Paul, wait, we need you.
Well, can you make an exception in my case?
Perhaps it would make a difference if I told you my name is Erasmus Brumble.
I present a cookery program and... Oh, sod it.
Taco Bell don't deliver, and I can't get ahold of Paul.
Hello, Paul. It's me.
You made your point quite eloquently.
Please come home.
I have made you...
...cochinita pibil with homemade tortilla.
I've offered to make you anything from the finest ingredients known to man.
Taco Bell.
Fine. All right.
Total capitulation.
Shit.
This is raccoon.
It's by the building that's brown, and it's square...
- ...and it has these little logs on the roof. - In case you hadn't noticed...
...you just described every fucking building in Santa Fe.
- Wait, there it is! - Oh, great.
We finally made it to Taco Bell.
Come on, come on, come on! Let's go inside.
Welcome to Taco Bell. My name's Leticia. How can I help you?
Hello, Leticia. My name is Erasmus, and this is my grandson, Bill.
Can I have the Crunchwrap Supreme and Nachos BellGrande?
Sure.
And for you, sir?
I'm sorry... I am mesmerized...
...by the divergent culinary concepts at play here.
Cheesy Gordita Crunch.
Fiery Doritos Locos Tacos Supreme.
I mean, it's like Mexican jazz music.
Are you Erasmus Brumble?
- I am, indeed. - I heard that you called earlier.
I love your books and your TV show and... What are you doing here?
If you like my books and my TV show, what are you doing here?
Ha-ha-ha. Oh, um, are you gonna order something?
I'd love to see the wine list first.
He wasn't joking.
- Do you like it? - Oh, Bill.
I've seen the light.
What?
Well, have a think.
What's the happiest you've ever been?
One time, with my dad...
...he took me to the mountains and we shot squirrels.
Hmm.
Well...
...for me, sitting here, sharing this taco with you...
...it's that good.
But there's got to be a better table than this.
How long have you been sitting alone here in the dark?
Uh... Ten years.
It has been a nightmare since you've been away.
Bill and I have been crying our eyes out. Right, Bill?
No, it was fine. We went to Taco Bell.
Okay, why don't you trot off to bed, little man?
We can't have a kid. We are kids.
- Well, that's not true. - You're more of a kid than me.
Do I have a sense of play? Oh, uh, yeah.
But you're a man.
You're a great, big, hulking, Paleolithic beast of a man.
You're talking about my ass.
No.
Look at me.
You have the biggest heart of any man I know.
Is everything all right?
Yes, everything's fine.
Can I have Chunky Monkey?
Yes, of course.
Where is it?
- In the freezer in the kitchen. - There isn't any there, I looked.
No, it's in the freezer in the garage!
It's in the garage! The one with all the Kevin Costner magnets.
- Who's Kevin Coster? - He was in that film, what was it called?
It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter! It's the only freezer that's in the garage.
Okay.
Good night.
You want some?
- No, thank you. - No, thank you.
Okay.
Oh! Dances with Wolves!
We gotta make him lunch.
We have to make him lunch.
Taco Bell.
- Pepperoni pizza. - No.
Come on, man, look, it's got...
...tongue twisters, jokes and more mixed-up fun inside.
No.
Oh, God.
All right, last offer.
A 2-pound bag of Sour Patch Kids for lunch.
Candy is for dessert.
Got all the flavors.
Blue.
Please?
- Um, we're still serving breakfast. - For how long?
- Um... Another 45 minutes. - Oh, fuck you.
- Has it been 45 minutes yet? - No, it's been two.
I want 20 Crunchwraps with bacon, please.
- Twenty? - Twenty.
Why'd you get 20 of them?
Because I'm gonna freeze them and thaw them out every morning.
That's...
...not gonna work.
And it's weird.
Why can't I take them to school in the Taco Bell bag?
Because I have written articles for Saveur magazine.
Know what that is?
No.
Get the fuck out of my car.
Mmm.
So the bartender says, "No? You don't know?
You walk him and pitch to the rhino."
Why are you wearing chaps?
These used to belong to Roy Rogers.
- Please. - Even if I don't believe in reincarnation...
...I am becoming more convinced that in a previous life...
...I was a cattle rustler.
You don't believe in reincarnation.
- I can rustle cattle. I roped a steer. - You couldn't rope Ethel Merman.
Bill, do you like the place?
- Tell them when you go to bed. - Whenever I want.
I want Erasmus and Paul to be my granddaddies.
- Do you like Erasmus' cooking? - No. It's gross.
- Where's your dad? - He's in jail for beating up a hooker.
- Where do you get this stuff? - He's actually not kidding about that.
Oh. Heh-heh.
Um... Well, um, where's your mom?
She was a drug addict. And she took too many drugs one night.
And she fell off the balcony.
It was four stories high.
Where were you when this happened?
In the next room.
Well, the good news is, I've made a pear tart.
Hi.
I'm Melissa Enright with Child Protective Services.
Hi, hey! Come... Come...
- Come on in. Yeah. - Thank you.
This is the first of several mandated visits by the CPS of New Mexico.
- Fantastic. - Um...
When a single parent is arrested, there's an inquiry initiated by CPS.
He's been here for 10 weeks.
We're backlogged.
So is he here, or...?
- Who's that? - Erasmus, this is, uh...
- Melissa. - Melissa...
...from Child Protective Services.
Oh, shit. Heh.
Hello, Melissa, I'm Erasmus.
So Bill's around. You haven't seen...? Did Tino clean up from last night?
I don't know, I just got up.
- Is anything wrong? - No, Melissa.
Um... Welcome to our humble country abode.
I'm just going to put some coffee on.
Ooh. Sounds good, coffee.
Yes, also good...
...uh, if we find the child.
Oh! Here he is.
Right where we sometimes find him.
- Hello. - Oh, yeah, he likes to be called Bill. Heh.
They take me to school every morning and pick me up every afternoon.
Together? They both go?
It's usually Paul.
No, it's always Paul.
Has anything happened here at home that frightened or disturbed you?
No.
Are you sure?
Like what?
Like any hitting or yelling.
Uh... Not really.
Not really?
- You're not sure? - I mean, no.
Have you seen anything that confused you?
Certain kinds of touching that made you uncomfortable?
- No. - It seems like something happened...
...that you don't wanna talk to me about.
But you can tell me anything.
Can I just show you?
Of course.
Those flat shoes. Flap, flap, flap.
They're so flat, it actually makes her shorter.
It's not even an inch.
It's completely flat.
- Everything all right? - Totally fine.
What a large room.
The hell does that mean?
I hate her.
Excuse me.
Would both of you come this way, please?
Do you think she heard us calling her a dumb bitch?
I hope she hasn't found the porn.
Yeah, I mean, most of the places I go are really horrific...
...so when I saw this house, I was like, "Lucky kid."
- But you can't give a kid porno. - Yes. The thing is, they are all Paul's.
What? No, they're not.
Some of them.
- We keep this locked up. - The thing about a lock is...
- ...it has no meaning if there's a key in it. - Is that Confucius? Heh.
- No, it's true. - I was just trying to find E. T.
- Hey. E. T. Classic Spielberg. - Bill!
- Aw... - Weaver of dreams.
- I love when his finger lights up. - So you know he's an alien.
- And his face. - And his face.
Bill, would you give us a moment?
- Phantom Ass. - Just a phase he was going through.
- Yeah, I'm kind of a Star Wars guy. - Ugh. Ugh.
- Bareback Mountain. - What they do is take a recognized title...
...and give it a bit of a cheeky twist.
- I get it. - That's unusual...
...in that the source material is also gay.
Butt-Pluggerz. We're throwing them all out.
There's so much online. What did I just say?
Is it okay if I come back?
Yes, any time.
Great. Good. Because I will be back.
We long for you to return. Late mornings, generally, are best.
One last thing:
It really feels like you should be cooking something nutritious...
...for Bill, not just grabbing fast food, especially given your line of work.
- It's not me, it's him. - That's great advice.
Thank you so much for that input.
Have a good day.
What a queer fish.
Uh, yeah.
Does he have friends outside of school?
Two of us.
Household employees, staff.
Anyone his age?
- Uh, well, there's Tino. - Oh, good, Tino. How old is Tino?
- Twenty-four. - Twenty-four. No, he doesn't, really.
I would like to refer you...
...to a developmental therapist here in Santa Fe.
- Are you saying he's insane? - No. Of course not.
But treatment can benefit someone who's lived with an unstable personality.
- Maybe I should get some treatment. - Of course, if you feel that...
- He's joking. - I am. I'm not.
In any event, I have a very important...
...harvest-abundance episode of my TV program to record.
If you have nothing further to say, I'll leave. If you find the time...
...to teach him how to spell, add and subtract, that would suffice.
- Un-fucking-believable. - She's just trying to do her job.
- Not her. You, you dumb dick. - What?
He should be making friends. After all he's been through...
- What concern is it of yours? - Excuse me?
You've expressed how little interest you have in him.
- I pick him up every day. - I appreciate your efforts.
But you don't want to be saddled with the responsibility.
I am saddled with the responsibility.
When he arrived, I thought, "I don't know how... "
Can you make a mental note of this, and we can sort it out over a cocktail?
- I have something at stake here. - What?
When he got here, I thought, "Great, you know what?
I'm gonna be stuck with all the responsibility." And surprise!
I am stuck with it. But I will not wake up early every day...
...wake him, pack his lunch, help him with homework...
Yeah. By the way, he has homework.
...and have you tell me it has nothing to do with me!
Oh, you know what, I am so sick of being this furious, I...
I give up.
What am I doing?
You have to tape, I have to stay and pick him up.
- No, Tino can pick him up. - I'll pick him up.
- Don't be a martyr. - Oh, God, this...
This I never imagined for myself. I went to Wesleyan.
My contemporaries are scions of industry.
I should be living in New York, running the Food Network...
...not sitting in this dusty pueblo, babysitting the boy from The Shining.
Yeah, and I went to Oxford and all my friends...
You went to a cooking school in the town of Oxford.
- What's your point? - It's a very different thing.
My friends at The Rachael Ray Show...
...called me again.
And told me there's still a job there for me if I want it.
Idle threat.
Mmm.
- Wait up! - Wait up!
Wait. What do we do best?
Drink and argue.
Throw parties. We just need to give Bill a proper birthday.
- It's his birthday? - Doesn't matter.
We do need to freshen up the genre. We need a theme. Something stunning.
- We were in the middle of a fight. - What?
Forget pin the tail on the donkey. Try pinning the tail on Ganesh...
...the elephant-headed Hindu deity, at your next children's party.
I'm taking you to the Indian subcontinent...
...where we're discovering the secrets of tandoori lobster dogs...
...saffron cupcakes and tamarind ice cream.
This is your passage to India.
I'm Erasmus Brumble and this is Ideal Home.
One of the staples of authentic Indian cuisine...
...is, of course, naan, the indigenous flatbread.
I need someone to help me roll the dough.
- Heather? - It's not Heather, it's Whitney.
That's all right.
Bill, would you help me grind tamarind paste...
- ...with this pestle and mortar? - No. Let's get Taco Bell.
- Yeah! - Cut!
Taco Bell! Taco Bell! Taco Bell!
- Hey. - What?
Is this your party?
Yeah.
Do you have two dads?
No. Well, I don't know.
Sort of.
- That's littering. - So what?
We don't do that here.
- Wow. - Oh, my gosh, this has been so amazing.
- Chelsea's got a birthday next weekend. - Oh.
And we would so love to have you guys come.
- Fantastic. - Yeah?
- Try and keep us away. - Ha.
So the Spurs need to stick to what they do best, work as a team.
I mean, you got Ginóbili, you got Leonard.
Small ball. Thanks, honey.
I don't really know who you... Who those people are.
I don't know what sport you're talking about.
- Think it's baseball. - That's the one with a small ball.
I know that.
- Sorry, we're not really sporty types. - Yeah.
Holy shit! Heh-heh. I got my first blowy when this song was playing.
Uh-oh.
Um... She was...
She was...
A girl?
Yeah.
Did she have big old tits?
We just got the couch.
You can have ice in there, beer in there. You can sit back, relax.
Functional, stylish, comfy. What more could you ask for?
- It's not like on your TV show, but... - Oh, no.
But, I mean...
- Everyone's different. - The world would be pretty dull...
- ...if we were the same. Right? - Hear, hear.
Oh, my God. I'm sorry. Would you...? Would you rather have white wine?
Uh...
- Yeah. - Yeah? Okay. Sorry about that.
Well, they seem like a nice family. They seem happy.
Yeah, well, I'd rather be all fucked up and live in a nice house.
Well, then dreams really do come true.
- And that song has invaded my mind. - Oh, that fucking song.
- All right, bye. See you tomorrow, Bill. - Bye.
Well, they seem like nice boys. What are their names?
One is named Lantham... Latham... Latham.
And the other's named, uh... I don't know.
Okay.
Well, here, I had to park on the other block. It was a little crowded.
Idiot!
- Not... Not you, him. Are you all right? - Yeah.
Oh.
- Why don't you hold my hand now? - No.
- Take my hand. - I don't want to.
- You were almost killed. - I don't care!
I do! I'm the adult, you're the child!
- You're gonna do as I say! - Fuck you!
What's the matter?
I can't... I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
I can't...
I need an ambulance.
- Are you having chest pain now? - Yeah.
Are you gonna be okay?
I don't know.
Your blood pressure is a little high...
...but I don't see anything else.
Ever had a panic attack?
Hmm?
Do you have any history of anxiety or panic attacks?
I do. I, uh... I...
I think I'm having a... I think I'm having a heart attack, and then...
...it turns out to be anxiety.
So you've called an ambulance before?
- Yeah. - How many times?
Nine times, maybe. Less than... About nine times.
Wow.
Yep.
But you saved his life.
You get a coupon for redemption when you arrive at the gates of heaven.
It was so disturbing, watching the kid almost get killed.
And then the screaming match. And then I had one of my things.
- What things? - My panic things.
You didn't call an ambulance.
Oh, no.
It was humiliating. We didn't make it to the hospital.
- The EMT just told me to take it easy. - And death is cheated once more.
- Away, you shadowy specter. - Where are my pills?
Hey, hey. Just, you know, have a tequila and think pleasant thoughts.
Oh, God, I can't. Every night my dreams end in the apocalypse...
- ...alien invasions and mega-tsunamis. - Your dreams are so big budget.
I just dream I'm naked and people are laughing at me.
I dream that too.
You know, eventually...
...you just have to make a decision to be happy.
Never do that voice again.
Rise and shine.
Come on, kiddo. Time to get up.
School. Did you finish your book report?
Yes.
Wanna tell me what my anxiety medication is doing in your backpack?
Have you taken any of these?
No.
Where are they? The entire bottle is missing.
I don't have them.
What have you done with them?
Out with it, young man. This is serious.
I sold them to this kid in the middle school.
- Thank God for that. - Thank God?
At least he hasn't taken them himself.
Where would you get an idea to do something like that?
His father.
What?
His father.
- Your father. - Oh, well, yeah. I mean... Yeah, okay.
Why did you feel the need to do this?
- I needed money. - For what?
Don't we buy you everything you could ask for?
I need money in case.
In case what?
In case I'm not here.
In case that Melissa lady takes me or something.
Listen to me.
You're not going anywhere, okay?
I won't let it happen. We won't let it happen.
Look at me.
We promise.
Do you understand?
And if you promise not to deal drugs...
- ...we'll give you $100 a week. - Wait, no.
Fifty.
Okay. I'll do it for a hundred.
Okay. All right. Yeah.
- Okay. Great. Great. All right. - Hey!
High fives all around.
- Good job. - Crisis averted. Bring it.
We did it.
Yay!
Stop it.
Good meal. Good.
- Come on, Bill! - Aah!
No, no, no. Stop it.
"In conclusion, my parents have taught me about recycling...
...because they love me and they love the Earth.
The end."
All right.
Thank you, Symphony.
And next is Bill.
"I live with Paul and Erasmus."
Bill, remember, look your audience in the eye, okay?
And let's try it a little louder.
"I live with Paul and Erasmus.
They are not my dads, but they do all the stuff dads do.
They are gay. In the olden days, it was illegal to be gay.
There are some words you should never use...
...when you are talking to someone who is gay.
Never say 'faggot.'
- Never say 'cocksucker.' - Bill!
- And never, ever, ever say... - Bill, please stop. No!
...butt-fucking."
"In the olden days, it was illegal to be gay." Indeed, it was.
"There are words you never say to someone who is gay.
Never say 'faggot.' Never say 'cocksuck... "'
Unfortunately, the school district...
...doesn't find quite the same sense of humor in this situation.
He, uh... He said this aloud in class?
Up to, and including, that word.
Did he say "butt-fucking"? Did he say "butt-fucking"?
- "Never, ever say 'butt-fucking.'" - Gentlemen.
Where do you think he's learning these terms?
It's not... It's... We...
We don't make a habit of using words like that, I have to say.
Um... Unless it... Unless it's in context.
I see where he gets it.
Don't you think this is the pot calling the kettle black?
I did notice the word "felching" on your classroom wall...
...which I thought was inappropriate in a classroom.
That is "felting."
Oh. Yeah. That makes more sense. Felching isn't until middle school.
I am so not into that.
- I can't speak for him. - Guilty as charged.
This is serious.
- Hello? - Does.
Oh, yes.
We were wondering when we were going to hear from you.
- How's it going, Angel? How you doing? - Tell him how you're doing, Bill.
- Good. - He likes to be called "Bill."
Bill?
Is that right?
Angels were one of your mom's favorite things.
That's why we named you Angel.
That's still his name, legally, of course.
Um... But he's been doing great at school. Uh...
A whole spate of friends. Um...
Would you like to tell your father about your new friends?
No.
It sounds like you're doing really good.
I've been doing really good in here. I've been going to church.
I feel a lot better now. I'm so clearheaded.
The big news is, the minister's gone all out for me...
...to get an early release, so I'll be out of here before New Year's.
- Bravo. - And the church set me up...
...with a sponsor in Arizona. So when I do get out of here...
...me and Angel are gonna go to Arizona and work for a ministry there.
- Arizona? - Yeah, that's right.
I think we need to consider how the boy has settled in at school here in Santa Fe.
He has a lot of friends.
There's a school there, he'll make new friends.
I think we need to consider all this very carefully.
He's my boy. I thank you both for taking care of him.
But there is a plan in place...
...and it's a good plan.
What if I wanna stay?
All is well and all will be well.
- But do I have to go? - Okay, look.
If I tell you something, promise to remember it...
- ...for as long as you can? - Yeah.
Everything is temporary.
Except herpes.
- What's herpes? - Paul.
I'm not arranging permanent custody...
...I'm trying to see if I can somehow delay the child going to him.
He finally has some stability, it must count for something.
There isn't a court in the country...
...that is gonna separate a child from its parent.
Unless the child is in some kind of quantifiable danger...
...I'm sorry, you don't have any leverage.
Thank you for what has effectively been a $400 phone call for you to say no.
- Piss off. - Eras...
- Assholes, the lot of them. - What?
We should watch our language here.
- Why? - Because it's a fucking church.
I'm trying to get that boy away from his idiotic father.
You might not get that. You might not get what you want.
Well, why not, Paul?
Because God hates you.
Look, we have him through the holidays, all right?
Now, come on. Let's put on a show.
- I was going to say that. - I know.
In Mexico and many Latin American countries...
...Christmas Eve is celebrated even more than the day itself.
In my home, I like to prepare a flavorful Mexican supper...
...of freshly made green-corn tamales, whole roast pig...
...and buñuelos con cajeta for dessert.
Afterwards, we'll attend a traditional pageant known as Las Posadas...
...which retells the story of Mary and Joseph looking for shelter...
...in Bethlehem.
Then, we cross the Atlantic for a proper English dinner.
- There? Or there? - No, further out. Further out.
- Just here. - That's fine. Look at you.
Oh, so handsome. Fantastic. All right, here's the deal:
We're going to dinner, and you're allowed to take one present.
- Well, how about three? - Oh, okay.
Okay.
- Yeah? - OMG.
- Do we have more? - Oh, sure.
Wow.
Okay, cue the halo.
And heavenly glow.
Hey.
This really is the land of enchantment.
So nice.
They let you out.
- Yeah, Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.
Hey, bud.
Wanna come over here and give me a hug?
Thattaboy.
How you doing? You okay?
- Oh, God. - This is absurd.
It's the way it is. It was never permanent.
Why are you doing this? You trying to infuriate me?
Trying to cause as much anguish as you can?
Oh, stop it. The world doesn't spin around you.
No, it spins around the boy. You're trying to yank him away...
...from the one decent Christmas he's had, in the middle of the night!
That's what this is all about, isn't it? Some big spectacle.
Do you know that presents and all the decorations...
- ...that doesn't make Christmas. - For a little boy, it does.
No, family makes Christmas. And I am his father.
Well, you seem to have forgotten that I'm your father.
Ohh.
Do you wanna go there?
No.
Please. At least, stay the night.
Why's the music so loud?
You were shouting.
What?
- You were shouting. - Oh, yes.
Yes!
- Yes. - Well, this Christmas looks epic.
Santa has come early.
I'll believe in Santa if this is what it gets me.
Smoking board.
Why don't we have a proper breakfast tomorrow? Um...
We should start a brioche.
And perhaps something sweet. A nutty, sticky bun.
That means, Paul, go make brioche and a sticky, nutty bun.
Don't I know it.
Who would like a drink?
Beau?
I'm sober.
Ah, yes. So am I.
Unlike you, however, I'm going to do something about it.
- I'll have a... - I know.
- No. - What...? Wha...? What is it?
They're gone.
I didn't even get to say goodbye.
I know. Me either.
We drove 200 miles to get here. You said you would meet us.
We've been here for hours. We look like child predators.
The only thing we're missing is a white van.
I apologize for my friend.
We're quite normal.
Do you want some candy?
Are you all right?
Well, you sound like you may have relapsed.
No, don't get me wrong. No, I mean, I used to love cocaine.
Let's talk about what we have in common.
All right, let's not.
I'm just saying that if you need help, I know a good rehab facility...
...in Tucson, Arizona. Um...
It has a high failure rate, but the food's terrific.
The group sessions, heh, are hilarious. Hello?
Shall I move the orchid?
It's fine.
There's a cloud that follows him around wherever he goes.
It's so depressing. He feels like he has to pass it on to other people.
- Yeah, like there's a broom up his ass. - Ha-ha-ha.
You and me, what's getting on...?
Hello.
What's going on here?
I was in the kitchen and I suddenly got very upset. Didn't I?
- Yeah. - And Tino was comforting me.
Why is the door closed?
It's not like that, Paul.
- Why is the door closed? - Nothing happened, Paul.
I'm bereft about the child being gone.
So am I.
You didn't even want him here.
How can you say that?
Shame on you.
You know, you dismiss me left and right, but I did all the work.
I was the parent, you clowned around.
- All right, then. - You know what? It doesn't matter.
We're not talking about the kid. This is about that.
Has it been going on since you hired him?
I didn't touch Tino. Nothing happened.
- He was just a shoulder to cry on. - I'm your shoulder to cry on.
It doesn't matter what happened in there. It happened before, which you admit.
- With that gardener. You admit. - Yes, I admit.
Well, it's gonna happen again.
It won't happen again.
Look, I think you and I both know...
...things have been pretty fucked up between us for a long time.
And when the kid showed up, I pretended everything was fine.
But I can't pretend anymore. I can't.
- Paul. - Listen to me.
You know that if you were dying...
...I would cut the heart out of my chest for you.
I would die so that you would live. That's how much I love you.
That's how much I worship you.
And I think that you actually know. You know that.
- And it doesn't matter to you. - It does matter to me.
It doesn't matter. And I can't stand it anymore.
You know, I, uh... I didn't tell you...
...but I got a call the other day from Rachael Ray.
Oh.
What's she like? I hear she's really nice.
No, not from her, from my friends who produce her show.
They, uh... They offered me a job...
...in New York.
I'm gonna take it.
Well, I'm almost done up here.
I just need to get my books from your office.
I boxed them all up last night.
Thanks for your help.
Did you get a spray tan?
No.
Jemimah, you had me at ski-in, ski-out.
I'll be there Friday.
No, I can't come Thursday, I've got to see my lawyer.
Oh, just stupid stuff.
Yeah, you can have all these bags.
I don't really need them.
Good, because they're mine.
Oh.
I think this might be the best thing for both of us.
Well, we had a good run.
Remember to keep an eye on the tile guy tomorrow.
I think he's overbilling us.
I don't give a fuck what you think about the fucking tile guy, you fucking cunt!
Oh.
And you were doing so well.
Please don't leave me.
I can't live without you.
Don't go.
Don't go. Please, please, please.
I love you.
I sure hope he's not talking to me.
Keep driving.
Fuck!
And this motion will be accepted by the court at this time.
The child shall remain in the custody...
...of Erasmus Brumble and Paul Morgan.
Ugh. Well, I must say...
...all that courtroom melodrama...
...makes a man very hungry.
- How are you doing? - I'm hungry too.
So, what should we eat?
Let's not do a whole thing, I'm exhausted.
Why don't we get some sushi?
You know, supermarket sushi is like God shitting on mankind.
- Everything wrong with this country. - I didn't say supermarket.
I've never had supermarket sushi.
Unless it was late, I was blackout drunk and don't remember.
- That probably happened. - I could make sushi.
I did train with one of the world's leading sushi chefs.
That was at a demo at Williams-Sonoma in Albuquerque. I was with you.
You know, your version of events is so pedestrian.
- Also known as reality. - Blah, blah, blah.
Why don't we just do a pasta at home?
I'm trying to avoid wheat and dairy.
Really? Is that since you had the grilled-cheese sandwich for lunch?
- It's a constant struggle. - Yes, it most certainly is.
Guys, why don't you ask me what I want for dinner?
- Well, we just assumed it was Taco Bell. - No. I still love it...
...but I'd like something else tonight.
- Really? - What would you like?
I'd like to have pork tenderloin...
...with caramelized apples and ginger.
What the hell?
What the fuck?
All right, let's get this kid a pork tenderloin.
And maybe some polenta with goat cheese.
Oh, my God. We've created a monster.
I created a monster.
No, you are a monster.
And now I have to contend with two of you. Good God.
Oh, Jesus.
There's a fucking rainbow.